Samson

Samson...
This could be long so be forewarned. :)

Finally, we know of our Samson. We have learned that he is indeed still at the orphanage. And it was his paperwork with the problems. So, he is unavailable now.

These last few days have been incredibly emotional for me. Between meeting the girls and facing the loss of Samson it has felt sometimes as if its more than I can bear. So for myself and those who love him as well, I am feeling the need to write a few thoughts about him. Anyone who has lost a child in adoption knows the pain and grief run deep. Before starting on this adoption journey I never understood how you could love a child you never met as much as your own. Forgive me for that. But, now I understand – it is a gift from the Lord – he places that love for your child deep in your heart – maybe you have seen a picture of them, maybe not. You just know they belong with you.

I saw Samson today with my own eyes. He is in the same little “groupa” of children with Vika. They are good friends and playmates. Vika was eating lunch with her groupa. I found their room and asked to watch her eat. I waved hi and smiled a lot at all the children. I blew kisses at them and they blew kisses back to me. They were being served a bowl of soup – some kind of vegetable I think. Probably borsch! :) When that finished they received a piece of white bread which they wolfed down. And then cups filled partially with some kind of dark liquid and a small cracker. They drank it down very quickly as well. As they ate and I stood there, I studied them all carefully. I had been told Samson and Vika were in the same groupa but at first I could not tell if he was there. And then I focused in on one little boy. It was his nose…it is distinctive and I remembered it well from the picture. I pointed to Vika and said to the orphanage worker, “Vika?” as if I needed help saying her name. Then, I pointed to who I thought was Samson, and said “Samson?” (only of course I used his real Ukrainian name.) She said ”da, Samson” and then she went all around the room and told me all the childrens’ names. Some obviously had Down Syndrome, some not. All of them were small and beautiful and without a family.

So, then I knew for sure. I had found my Samson, my little Ukrainian son I had prayed for so long. He was a good eater – albeit a stuffer. He looked different than I expected. He was so much thinner than the pictures and such a tiny boy really. He also seemed more affected by Down syndrome than I expected- his mannerisms and the way he held his hands and tilted his head gave me this impression. I watched him eat. All the children eat so fast. Soon they were done and it was time to leave the room. They got up and filed out through the hallway. For a few seconds in time he was alone from the others. He stopped, looked up at me with his big brown eyes and smiled. I looked deep in his eyes and then he turned and walked into his room.
It was enough. I turned myself to go down the hallway and then the tears came. Finally, I had seen for myself.

I do not understand why the Lord has done things the way he has. I never doubted His ability once to perform a miracle on our behalf. I have believed Him fully and held back nothing of my faith. We have prayed for him for months to be ours. I built him a bed. I bought clothes for him to wear home with us. I fully expected the Lord to work all this out. Everything I ever believed about Samson and the Lords ability to bring him to us was based solely on the scripture he gave me not on my own desires. I know He is pleased with uncompromising and unfailing belief in Him and He will reward me for my faith in Him to do the impossible. But in the end, He has chosen a different path for us than I thought.

Please don’t misunderstand me - we love the girls and have no regrets or second thoughts about Anastasia. At our SDA appointment we were shown 3 files – 2 girls and 1 boy. In a matter of minutes we were asked to decide the fate of one child, to make a decision that would change their life and our family forever. Thankfully, the Lord made it clear to both of us which to choose. We know with certainty, Anastasia was meant to be in our family. I know as the years progress I will always wonder how we could have ever survived without her. She was unknown to us and perhaps would have never been adopted had we been unwilling to take a blind referral. Before coming to Ukraine, I prayed for a miracle and I received one - just not the one I expected.
The future of my little Samson is uncertain to us but thankfully, not to the Lord. He has made specific promises to me for this little boys’ life and future and I will hold Him to those. I know that Jesus loves him more than I do. I know that He has not caused us to pray so fervently for him for so many months for nothing. I know He will not waste our pain, or our grief or our loss. I don’t know if Samson will ever become available to be adopted. I do know that there are powers in Heaven and earth that are working toward that end. If he becomes available I do not know if the time and place will be right for our family. So much of our personal future is unknown. For now, he is in a good orphanage. I have personally met both the director and head physician. They are kind and compassionate people. In this orphanage children with special needs are allowed to stay until 6 or 7 yrs old, before being transferred to a mental institution. There is hope for him to be adopted before he would be transferred. And of course, with Jesus, regardless of the circumstances, there is always hope. For in the end it is our hope in Jesus that is all we have anyway.

I'm sorry for the length of this post. For whatever reasons, I needed to write it. For now, He has made our path clear. It is not the one I expected to be on, but it is the one He has chosen for us. I know, based on His word alone, He has amazing times ahead for us. I anticipate seeing the face of Jesus in Ukraine in many ways in the next few weeks. We praise and thank Him for all He is doing in our lives and we eagerly anticipate all that is ahead.