The Long and the Short of it...

The last 2 weeks have been very difficult…

Katie Vika, (all things considered - having spent 5 years in an orphanage) is showing signs of positive adjustment. She is affectionate towards me. She is often interacting very positively with Annie and my other children. (playing etc...) We have a long ways to go in the hitting department but I know that will improve. She seems quick to pick up words and signs - today she heard us mention cookie in a conversation and immediately began signing it!

Emie Nastya is having a much harder time with all the transitions. She has many, many tantrums a day – which usually consist of covering her face with her hands, throwing herself to the floor, sobbing , then hitting and barking (I have no clue how to describe this - kind of like a yell or a grunt of UUUHH) at anyone who comes near her, or she’ll throw anything nearby. Sometimes she can be just delightful and other times she does this same tantrum thing at every single change of activity. I have thought much about her and am constantly trying to analyze her and I have come to the conclusion that cognitively she is quite competent – she too signs and says some words, but emotionally she is incredibly immature – kind of like a baby or young toddler? She seems to be able to focus in sometimes on repetitive activities, (i.e. – she can spend a long time drawing shapes with color wonder) but in other activities she seems to lack the ability to stay focused and is basically, constantly moving and getting into things. She does seem to like the Praise Baby and Signing Time videos and at times will sit for awhile for those.

I know this must be incredibly difficult for the girls. Their entire life has been turned upside down. Every security they had at the orphanage is missing to them. And, I know this is probably not unusual to be dealing with these issues but it is still challenging…

Honestly, the last 2 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. I have been unable to tackle my blog or emails or much of my life. Personally, I have just felt myself unravel. It’s a terrifying place to be – to realize you are losing perspective on every area of your life. I think the stress and pressure of the last 8 months finally took its toll. I have debated how much to share on the blog because it is soooo public and mostly because if we ever choose to adopt again, I think people will always question my abilities. But, I am not into lying and I have found the Lord challenging me to be real. A year ago I could never have shared this openly – I am an incredibly private person. But, again and again on this journey the Lord has asked me to be transparent.

As our time in Ukraine began to (finally) wind down I became more and more anxious about the next step – namely…how would I be able to manage all these children? And with Lee in a recent job change, I would be alone a lot. And then, two days before our flight home, I woke up early, with the sickest, most panic feeling in my stomach….I kept asking the Lord, “Why on earth have we done this? Why on earth did we ever adopt 2? (Bear in mind we had already endured 2 days of tantrums, barking, and hitting) Well, every time, I asked Him that, the Lord just kept saying back to me, “The reasons are not earthly, the reasons are eternal. This is not about you . This is not about your life being easy or hard. This is about me. This is about bringing glory to me.” I tried to focus on those thoughts and yet…

As soon as we arrived home – it all came flooding toward me…the overwhelming feelings, the sense of deep regret for what we had done, the fear of what lay ahead, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Most surprising to me was this immense sense of grief at the loss of the way my family used to be – I longed for just my 5 children and that was it. The only time I felt some happiness was when I was with Anne alone. A friend of mine said that after they adopted it felt like their whole family was thrown up in the air and when they all landed they were in different places but eventually they all fit together again. I have thought much about that. Fruit Basket Upset – Adoption style.

By the middle of last week, I couldn't hold it together any longer. I felt as if I had been hit by a mack truck. I am not normally an emotional person but I could not stop crying. I have had no sense of my ability to handle any of this and I felt incredibly trapped. And then it dawned on me - I have felt this one time before in my life. About 7 months after my twins were born I suffered from post-partum depression. After doing some research, Lee, found a condition quite similar called Post Adoption Depression.

Depression is like a darkness of the night – of the soul. There is no feeling of joy or hope – there is only fear and overwhelmingness.. (now I know there is hope – because there is always hope in Jesus, I just haven't felt it) I’m not sure what I thought coming home would be like…but this was not on my radar screen. Thankfully, we have wonderful family and friends who have been here for us. My inlaws and my sisters have been here to help. And we have a wonderful church family - so many are there for us. We’ve had delicious home cooked meals every night, my floors have been swept and vacuumed by many other people than myself, our clothes have been laundered…my boys have been taken to numerous activities, Iv’e been whisked off to Walmart for shopping therapy several times. (sorry Lee) Professionally and medically I have help as well. I know it will get better. The Lord will not leave me here. I know the Lord has a reason for even this.

So, I guess that was the “long” of the Long and the Short of it…the “short” of it is this…In spite of all the feelings I have or haven’t had in the last few weeks we know that we have done exactly what the Lord told us to do. We have been obedient to Him. He will show us the way. Eventually, our girls will hopefully stop hitting, and tantrumming, and barking. And our family will fit altogether again – actually it will be an even better fit than I could imagine…because Jesus is in the middle of all this.